Not Your Average Damsel

SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE A NUT . . .

Perimenopause is a cruel mistress. She provides no respite; no moderation. She is all take and always on. Even when it appears she has taken the cycle off this month, she is still going to show up somewhere and get hers. Like on a bright spring day, when your hypothalamus is spinning sunlight into golden threads of energy and focus and joy, Peri is the bloodthirsty tick, latched on in a crevice you can’t see. As she hides, she’s syphons your sex drive. If the perfect way to cap off a day of productivity and sweat is with a bath and back shots, rest assured she will take every ounce of your physical want and leave nothing but the mental desire (to torture both you and your partner). In my house, we just call her the Whore. I think she secretly likes that nickname and laughs about it while she eats my blue conjugated estrogen tabs like candy.

It is true that I can be jump-started like a car battery with the right tools. But damnit, it didn’t used to be that way! I didn’t need Roses or Lemons to get primed. 15 years ago, he could just trail his fingers lightly down my side and kiss me and that ache would start. I would just add toys for bonus levels. Now, sex with Peri takes work. It is undoubtedly worth the work, but it is work no less. Rumor has it that she can sometimes be so evil that when she leaves, she doesn’t even give the Booty back! She could permanently evict Aunt Flo, potentially creating a lifetime of ho-lidays from now until death, and leave you only wanting to eat, or sleep, or bake, or paint, or anything but fuck.

I rant; I bitch; but, I know this isn’t new. I know that I am not alone in this. Women have been singing this dirge since- well, since women- and we will continue sharing the sweat-soaked stories of dry cooch and trauma-bonding until the end of time. But, just like every servant of a bad manager, or a weak leader, or a categorically racist, moody, demanding, mentally unstable, toxic commissio. . . oops, wait- I think I wandered away from the path on that one. I stepped into my day job- apologies. Anyway, just like anyone serving a bad boss, under Peri’s reign, my stolen cheer and I have been much too exhausted to find my people to commiserate.

/damsel